New Day New Outlook

My apologies for yesterday... I have been in a funk with a capital F.

But today some really good things happened.... my work is turning back to my passion (change management) and I couldn't be more grateful. It's a rare and wonderful thing to love what you do and to have others value you for your knowledge, skill and passion.

I also got to help a college senior by giving him the feedback he desperately needs as he tries to determine his first career steps.

I submitted to be a speaker at the ACMP conference- fingers crossed! I love speaking engagements. give me a stage, a captive audience and I am in my groove.

I get to facilitate a Junior League meeting tonight on the challenges our organization faces as we transform our organization to meet the changing needs of our members.

In 3 days I get to celebrate the birth of the most amazing man I have ever known.

and that kids... makes it all okay.

Damaged Goods

WARNING:- this is another family type post…..and it may come across as a pity party but it's not meant to… there are just some key questions I am struggling with…

I have always hated the term "Damaged goods". I never heard it applied to me until after my divorce. But now I am wondering it is true – and if it has been true most of my life.

Not that I don't think I am a catch: I mean come on! I am successful, attractive, sometimes funny and generally a good person.

But under all that… under the 50 hours a week for work and 10+ hours for Junior League and the gym, and United Way…. Am I damaged? People always say that children are sponges- they absorb everything that is intentionally and unintentionally said, done, not said, and not done around them.

So what if as a child you don't have stability?

What if you never see a healthy relationship? What if you never see someone communicate their feelings in a healthy way?

What if you aren't showered with love? What if you have parents/siblings who you have never met and who haven't wanted to me you?

What if no one who is supposed to take care of you…does?

 

Can you as an adult learn or unlearn these basics? Can you learn to behave in a way that is totally different from what you experienced in your most formative years?

And could it be that many who as children didn't have these basics, throw themselves into the comparatively easy areas of success (job, community)?

 

I used to say that my friends were my family. Given my lack of consistent "family", that worked for me for a long time. Up through your twenties, you have lots of friends (even if like me you weed some out). But the life changes and demands that occur typically by your 30s seems to weed out more friends than you thought it would often with heartbreaking results. So if you don't have the traditional/normal family- or anything resembling it- and then your friends who were your family, start to disappear…how can you feel anything but alone?

Do people go away because of life changes/stages… or do I now know how to behave in a way that gets people to stay?

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend and while parts were funny- overall I thought it was depressing. I don't have any life long friends. My longest friendships start in high school and our relationships have certainly changed. And while I love them dearly… I could hardly picture any of them being my Kristin Wigg character.

And it made me really sad… and wondering what I can do to change things… and not just a little angry about starting off behind everyone else. But more than anything I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to undo that damage.

Neglected

I think neglect is worse than abandonment.

When someone abandons you, the wound is harsh but it can heal as the empty space left behind will often be filled.

When someone neglects you, their presence is still there, never allowing the wound to heal. By still being physically present they render you invisible. It is a constant reminder that you are not valued, that your needs are not appreciated or understood. It's like slicing open a wound just before it heals over and over again.

To neglect someone you love is to not love them.

When you love someone, you value their needs, their dreams, their preferences. Their priorities at some level have to align with your priorities.

If not the result is devastating: the loss of a relationship, the hardening of the heart of the one who is neglected. The endless questioning of "what if" by the neglector…

It may sound trite but maybe that is because it is true… we need to treat each other as if this is the last moment we will see each other. Use your words. Use your actions. Show those you love that they are important to you and never render them invisible.