Change of Heart

So I had one of the best Christmases ever. But it was also highly emotional. I always am on the verge of tears all day Christmas Eve. I just feel the loss of my grandparents and my family in general so poignantly on that day each year. I know at some point the flood gates will open- this year it happened at church.  Prior to that we had been at Aunt Cookie's for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and present exchange with Dad's family. My cousin Michael and his wife Dusty had their 6 week old son Zane there and once I had him in my arms, I didn't want to let him go.  I am not sure I have ever felt that way before.

The next day after full day of of Christmas festivities with Will's amazing family, we went to my sister's. I must pause because I need to say just how much I love his family. I have felt comfortable there and a part of them since the first day I met them (Easter 2009). I totally feel myself and feel loved and I love each of them with all of their quirks. Each time I am around his family, I feel like I understand Will just a little more.

So back to my sister's. There had apparently been a miscommunication and so we weren't there for dinner where they had cleverly announced their pregnancy. But they announced to us in a cute way as well- my sister is due  August 2, 2012. She told me by letting me know the sweater I had bought her wouldn't fit her for very long!  I am so excited for her.

But for the the first time I felt something else. Jealousy? Envy? Empty? Hopeful? Granted it is her second but she will be having a baby at 35 (and she is normal not a celebrity) which means maybe I could have a baby too. Pregnancy still scares the crap out of me- and I still think it is weird- but for the first time I feel this longing to have a baby (bio or adopted).  And now that this switch has occurred, I can't seem to turn it off.

My thoughts switch from " I need to fix my finances so we can travel more, buy a new house etc"  to "I need to get my finances straight so I can take care of a baby, afford time off from work, buy a new home, save for college"

How did this happen? I don't know. But I now have this yearning deep within me that I can't seem to ignore or do anything about.  I don't know that I am ready but I know that someway, somehow before it is all said and done... I want to be someone's mother.

Things My Mother Taught Me

I don't think any of us ever appreciate our parents enough when we have the opportunity.
I certainly know that I haven't.
I haven't told her enough how much I love her. How much she has shaped who I am.

So here is a giant thank you for my mom for the lessons she has taught me...

Treat everyone well and equally

Judge each person as an individual- and remember you never really know the full situation, so it's best not to judge at all

Be generous- with everything. Including your love, your forgiveness, and certainly all "things"

It's never too late to start again

You need to be kind to yourself

You can survive things you never thought you had the strength for

The good memories are the ones to focus on

If you give it your all, you can make it happen

Don't let anyone change who you are

Don't let anyone tell you that you can't...

There is always someone who has it worse than you, and you should reach out to them and help

One word, one gesture can change a life

Everyone makes mistakes- that doesn't mean that they don't love you

I love you mom...

Life's Lessons By Age 30

Below are a list of things I feel everyone should learn by their 30s:


Who your real friends are.

It's okay to stick up for yourself and your needs. It's not selfish- it's healthy.

Know the triggers that bring out your worst qualities.

Take everything day to day.

It's as okay to walk away as it is to stay.

Being drunk is no excuse.

The people who bring out your best.

You will survive if you choose to.

You are 100% responsible for your actions- they are choices even if there is one option that you didn't like.

Your past is part of you but it doesn't have to define you.

People come in and out of your life: a reason, a season or a lifetime. Determine the differences.

Alone time can be some of the best time you ever spend. Enjoy your own company.

Most of what is bothering you today you won't remember in 5 years (or probably even 1 year).

It's ok to put yourself first when you need to.

Be generous with your affection, time, and resources.

It's never too late.