How well do you know...

A person. I mean really know a person. Is it even possible?
In this age of accessibility - Internet, Facebook, myspace, blogs, craigslist, chats, texts- how is it possible to truly trust a person when there is possibility and temptation everywhere...
You hear these stories of people cheating, having double lives etc and on one hand you think how can the other person not know... But how could they know? Unless you low-jack your significant other and their phones/laptop etc - how could you know?

What really makes someone "tick"? What are their interests that they wouldn't tell anyone? What would they do if they didn't think they would get caught?

Can you answer those questions of yourself? Is there anyone who could answer them about you? Does anyone really know anyone else...?

Borrowing Others' Words

When someone else has already said it better.. just borrow from them...

Courtesy of Mary J Blige:
It's gonna be a long, long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be a tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I'm ready to carry on.

I'm so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything, yeah
And finally I'm not afraid to breathe.

Anything you say to me,
And everything you do,
You can't deny the truth,
'Cause I'm the living proof!
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me
I'm the living proof! Oh, yes I am.

Thinking 'bout life's been painful. Yes it was.
Took a lot to learn how to smile,
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm -- about the storm.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/mary+j+blige/the+living+proof_20916905.html ]
Oh, so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
And I'm almost there
'Cause now I'm free!

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive.
They just don't make it through.
But look at me
I'm the living proof!

I know where I'm going
'Cause I know where I've been
I'm gonna feel strong, that's showin'
I'm gonna be strong, keep growin'
That's the way that I will.

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me - yeah yeah
I'm the living proof!

Nothing about my life has been easy, no.
But nothin's gonna keep me down, no - down.
'Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday, now
So, I'm ready to carry on...


And courtesy of Kelly Clarkson....
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Sentimental Possession

I may be crazy. I may be irrational.  It may be an easy explanation if you know my background. But I attach emotion to key objects and no matter how much it "makes sense" to part with them... I just... can't.

When I was 14, for less than $90, all the important possessions of my life were sold in an auction at a storage unit facility. It included all the pictures of my childhood except for one collage frame. It included every thing that was left to me from my grandparents- including the manuscript of a book about my great uncle Allen Sollie and by extension our family. It included all the black and white photos, every momento from my grandparents' lives, every thing that might still have carried their smells.... my grandparents were the most important people in my young life.

So there's the psych 101 explanation.

Now to be fair- I am not a hoarder. (Thank goodness)
But I have stuffed animals that I haven't been able to part with. I can justify this by having room in my house for them and selling them wouldn't exactly help pay off any bills other than a lunch trip to Five Guys.
But I have jewelry- nice jewelry.... jewelry that every day grows in value. And selling it could pay the bills.... but I would miss it terribly.
That is my reality.
Sentimental reality- maybe that's where the word "sentimentality" comes from.

I just got back from an amazing trip to Anguilla. While their we dined at Blanchards- Mel and Bob Blanchard are amazing people. They live a passionate live- they take risks, they follow their dreams.... they wrote a book on how others can too... I read the book end to end on the plane and while inspriring- I just think their reality is a once in a million reality. I think it's easier to live a life you love if you are artistic and have talent that you can use to drive your life. And the Blanchard's have more talent in their little pinkies than I have in the sum total of my days.
It's nice to be able to say that money is one of the four key things that you need to consider to balance your life. The reality for most is that it is the number one of those four factors (or 10 or whatever) and yet.... I can't sell my jewelry.
I may be a sentimental woman but my memories- and the tokens I have as reminders when my mind will begin to go (as all of ours will) are what I have.  I would not give them up willingly. Telling the story behind the memory of the token (stuffed animal, jewelry, whatever) to someone who loves you helps keep the memory alive. Long after we are all gone.

Giving Thanks

I find when things are the hardest it is best to think about what is going well, going right... what you have to be thankful for. And since it is November, and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, today I am focusing this post on that.

What I am grateful for:
Willy
my friends
my family
my pets
my brain
my passion
my ability to give back to the community
my senses- fully intact and can be used to acknowledge the beauty around me
my luck
that I was born where and when I was- I don't think I could have handled other times and places
the many kindnesses bestowed upon me by others
my experiences in this life- good and bad- as they have shaped the person I have become and the person I will be

New Day New Outlook

My apologies for yesterday... I have been in a funk with a capital F.

But today some really good things happened.... my work is turning back to my passion (change management) and I couldn't be more grateful. It's a rare and wonderful thing to love what you do and to have others value you for your knowledge, skill and passion.

I also got to help a college senior by giving him the feedback he desperately needs as he tries to determine his first career steps.

I submitted to be a speaker at the ACMP conference- fingers crossed! I love speaking engagements. give me a stage, a captive audience and I am in my groove.

I get to facilitate a Junior League meeting tonight on the challenges our organization faces as we transform our organization to meet the changing needs of our members.

In 3 days I get to celebrate the birth of the most amazing man I have ever known.

and that kids... makes it all okay.

Damaged Goods

WARNING:- this is another family type post…..and it may come across as a pity party but it's not meant to… there are just some key questions I am struggling with…

I have always hated the term "Damaged goods". I never heard it applied to me until after my divorce. But now I am wondering it is true – and if it has been true most of my life.

Not that I don't think I am a catch: I mean come on! I am successful, attractive, sometimes funny and generally a good person.

But under all that… under the 50 hours a week for work and 10+ hours for Junior League and the gym, and United Way…. Am I damaged? People always say that children are sponges- they absorb everything that is intentionally and unintentionally said, done, not said, and not done around them.

So what if as a child you don't have stability?

What if you never see a healthy relationship? What if you never see someone communicate their feelings in a healthy way?

What if you aren't showered with love? What if you have parents/siblings who you have never met and who haven't wanted to me you?

What if no one who is supposed to take care of you…does?

 

Can you as an adult learn or unlearn these basics? Can you learn to behave in a way that is totally different from what you experienced in your most formative years?

And could it be that many who as children didn't have these basics, throw themselves into the comparatively easy areas of success (job, community)?

 

I used to say that my friends were my family. Given my lack of consistent "family", that worked for me for a long time. Up through your twenties, you have lots of friends (even if like me you weed some out). But the life changes and demands that occur typically by your 30s seems to weed out more friends than you thought it would often with heartbreaking results. So if you don't have the traditional/normal family- or anything resembling it- and then your friends who were your family, start to disappear…how can you feel anything but alone?

Do people go away because of life changes/stages… or do I now know how to behave in a way that gets people to stay?

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend and while parts were funny- overall I thought it was depressing. I don't have any life long friends. My longest friendships start in high school and our relationships have certainly changed. And while I love them dearly… I could hardly picture any of them being my Kristin Wigg character.

And it made me really sad… and wondering what I can do to change things… and not just a little angry about starting off behind everyone else. But more than anything I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to undo that damage.

Neglected

I think neglect is worse than abandonment.

When someone abandons you, the wound is harsh but it can heal as the empty space left behind will often be filled.

When someone neglects you, their presence is still there, never allowing the wound to heal. By still being physically present they render you invisible. It is a constant reminder that you are not valued, that your needs are not appreciated or understood. It's like slicing open a wound just before it heals over and over again.

To neglect someone you love is to not love them.

When you love someone, you value their needs, their dreams, their preferences. Their priorities at some level have to align with your priorities.

If not the result is devastating: the loss of a relationship, the hardening of the heart of the one who is neglected. The endless questioning of "what if" by the neglector…

It may sound trite but maybe that is because it is true… we need to treat each other as if this is the last moment we will see each other. Use your words. Use your actions. Show those you love that they are important to you and never render them invisible.