New Day New Outlook

My apologies for yesterday... I have been in a funk with a capital F.

But today some really good things happened.... my work is turning back to my passion (change management) and I couldn't be more grateful. It's a rare and wonderful thing to love what you do and to have others value you for your knowledge, skill and passion.

I also got to help a college senior by giving him the feedback he desperately needs as he tries to determine his first career steps.

I submitted to be a speaker at the ACMP conference- fingers crossed! I love speaking engagements. give me a stage, a captive audience and I am in my groove.

I get to facilitate a Junior League meeting tonight on the challenges our organization faces as we transform our organization to meet the changing needs of our members.

In 3 days I get to celebrate the birth of the most amazing man I have ever known.

and that kids... makes it all okay.

Damaged Goods

WARNING:- this is another family type post…..and it may come across as a pity party but it's not meant to… there are just some key questions I am struggling with…

I have always hated the term "Damaged goods". I never heard it applied to me until after my divorce. But now I am wondering it is true – and if it has been true most of my life.

Not that I don't think I am a catch: I mean come on! I am successful, attractive, sometimes funny and generally a good person.

But under all that… under the 50 hours a week for work and 10+ hours for Junior League and the gym, and United Way…. Am I damaged? People always say that children are sponges- they absorb everything that is intentionally and unintentionally said, done, not said, and not done around them.

So what if as a child you don't have stability?

What if you never see a healthy relationship? What if you never see someone communicate their feelings in a healthy way?

What if you aren't showered with love? What if you have parents/siblings who you have never met and who haven't wanted to me you?

What if no one who is supposed to take care of you…does?

 

Can you as an adult learn or unlearn these basics? Can you learn to behave in a way that is totally different from what you experienced in your most formative years?

And could it be that many who as children didn't have these basics, throw themselves into the comparatively easy areas of success (job, community)?

 

I used to say that my friends were my family. Given my lack of consistent "family", that worked for me for a long time. Up through your twenties, you have lots of friends (even if like me you weed some out). But the life changes and demands that occur typically by your 30s seems to weed out more friends than you thought it would often with heartbreaking results. So if you don't have the traditional/normal family- or anything resembling it- and then your friends who were your family, start to disappear…how can you feel anything but alone?

Do people go away because of life changes/stages… or do I now know how to behave in a way that gets people to stay?

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend and while parts were funny- overall I thought it was depressing. I don't have any life long friends. My longest friendships start in high school and our relationships have certainly changed. And while I love them dearly… I could hardly picture any of them being my Kristin Wigg character.

And it made me really sad… and wondering what I can do to change things… and not just a little angry about starting off behind everyone else. But more than anything I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to undo that damage.

Neglected

I think neglect is worse than abandonment.

When someone abandons you, the wound is harsh but it can heal as the empty space left behind will often be filled.

When someone neglects you, their presence is still there, never allowing the wound to heal. By still being physically present they render you invisible. It is a constant reminder that you are not valued, that your needs are not appreciated or understood. It's like slicing open a wound just before it heals over and over again.

To neglect someone you love is to not love them.

When you love someone, you value their needs, their dreams, their preferences. Their priorities at some level have to align with your priorities.

If not the result is devastating: the loss of a relationship, the hardening of the heart of the one who is neglected. The endless questioning of "what if" by the neglector…

It may sound trite but maybe that is because it is true… we need to treat each other as if this is the last moment we will see each other. Use your words. Use your actions. Show those you love that they are important to you and never render them invisible.

Personalities Galore

One of the things that I love best about my pets is their individual personalities. They stand out even more when I have been travelling and don't have the opportunity to see them every day.

This is how they approach me when I have been far away:

Kirby takes an uncharacteristicly assertive approach boxing out Violette and burying his face in my thigh before I have even come through the door. He then spends the rest of the night sleeping as close to me as he can get and sometimes nuzzling his little face into my lap. Kirby has never been a licker but since my travels began he has graced me with more little kisses in the palm of my hand and sometimes on the tip of my nose while I lay on the couch.

Violette is true to form always. She has more energy and excitement than her little body can stand so it completely overwhlems her until she is convulsing violently and trying desperately not to jump into my arms! She is the kid who just wants to be loved more than anything and often does the wrong thing to get attention because she just can't control all that energy. Violette has such big eyes that allow you to see right into her heart and she loves her daddy more than any animal has loved any human.

Trinity is the bull in a china shop. She wants what she wants when she wants it and by God she is GOING TO HAVE IT! She plops down on my lap/stomach before I have even fully gotten comfortable. It's like she hasn't felt the warmth of being close to another creature since she saw me last. Trinity head butts you and talks to you- you ignore Trinity at your peril. Now that she has decided to roam the entire house instead of just the "cat room" - she is a force to be wreckoned with!

Lastly my Katie. We almost lost Katie two years ago and it would have broken my heart. She is my trooper. She is independent but loving, fierce but sweet and entirely playful! She gives me "drive by love"- as if she just wants to make sure I know that in the animal jungle of our home, she doesn't want to be overlooked or forgotten. She will push her way into the bathroom and rub against my legs as I sit and sometimes will quickly jump into my lap! When Katie does have her moments of needing love frlom me, it honestly warms my heart. She will settle herself into the crook of my body or on top of my chest/stomach/lap (whatever is available). She will tuck her head around or tuck her paws under her chin and purr softly.

I know people who don't have animals won't understand this but these are my children. They may not look like me, they may not speak the same language, but they each have a unique and precious place in my heart and in my home. And isn't that what really matters?

Updates after a drought...

I enjoyed being completely cut off from all forms of communication other than the personal for 5 days

I spent my birthday on a beautiful island with my favorite person

I learned that my body fails me more often than I want to admit

I learned that I can easily be convinced to spend ridiculous amounts of money on the comfort of my pets

I officially entered the mid-30s

I figured out that if I really put my mind to it.... I can do anything

I remembered the things (and people especially) that are truly important in my life

I realized I still bite off more than I think I can chew

I feel energized

A Mystery

I know I write a lot about family and I think I do because it is a mystery to me.  All the things I read, see on tv, the traditional notions of family don't apply to my experience.

And yet they do.

There is the n'er do well  sibling who always needs help, seems to never be responsible for his situation and makes you feel guilty for creating a good life for youself.

There's the mom that no matter what mistakes she made, you love her and can't imagine your life without her.

There's the adopted mom, who is always there quietly as a support. And when the phone rings to tell you she is in the hospital- your heart simultaneously races and stops.

There's the absentee father.

There's the daddy who lets you still be his little girl even in your 30s.

I guess all families are the same in that they are all different.

Parenting

I just read how a man decapitated his 7 year old disabled son

I remember vividly the couple who tortured and killed their daughter by putting her head in a vice

I have friends who spend every dollar, every minute, every wish praying to have a child and yet these monsters don't give any thought to it, are able to have kids and then butcher them.

I am not for government being involved in everything but for pete's sake I think we have a lot of evidence supporting the fact that not everyone should be a parent.

And I am terrified of being a parent. I can't imagine a more awesome and intimidating responsibility. I fear that I will make mistakes that will emotionally scar them for life.
I fear I will make the mistakes my parents made.

Why do so many people not stop and THINK before having a child!?!?!?!?