I love you
You are my best friend
You are my soul mate
You can hurt me faster and more deeply than anyone else
You are the future I want to have
You are my family
You are attached by a chord to my heart
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
To you
Monday, November 21, 2011
Worst feeling?
Waiting for the other shoe to drop.... that describes the worst feeling to me.
It means something awful and painful has already happened, and you are fairly certain it will happen again. Or worse.
I know it is a pessimistic view and in general I try to be positive (evidence on this blog notwithstanding)
but once you have been hurt.... how can you not fear it's happening again? When someone breaks the fragile part of yourself that you don't share to just anyone, the part you make them earn, how can you believe that they won't do it again? Sure you may say that you do, but isn't there a voice somewhere saying, "don't be naive, the other shoe is going to drop and you better be prepared for it so it doesn't hurt as much when it happens again"
I have that voice.
Have always had it.
Many days I can forget it- in some aspects of my life, I never hear it anymore.... but in the ones that really cut to the quick... the voice is ever present.
And knowing it's there, not knowing how to quiet it, not knowing if you should listen to it, not wanting to know what it means to your life if you do, THAT is the worst feeling....
It means something awful and painful has already happened, and you are fairly certain it will happen again. Or worse.
I know it is a pessimistic view and in general I try to be positive (evidence on this blog notwithstanding)
but once you have been hurt.... how can you not fear it's happening again? When someone breaks the fragile part of yourself that you don't share to just anyone, the part you make them earn, how can you believe that they won't do it again? Sure you may say that you do, but isn't there a voice somewhere saying, "don't be naive, the other shoe is going to drop and you better be prepared for it so it doesn't hurt as much when it happens again"
I have that voice.
Have always had it.
Many days I can forget it- in some aspects of my life, I never hear it anymore.... but in the ones that really cut to the quick... the voice is ever present.
And knowing it's there, not knowing how to quiet it, not knowing if you should listen to it, not wanting to know what it means to your life if you do, THAT is the worst feeling....
Trapped in mind
I am sniffly, sneezy, achy and sleepy today...
I have zero energy- except in my brain which is as always going a thousand miles a minute. The curse of being a Virgo.
Confirmed by my StrengthsFinder results with Deliberative being my number 1.
I wish to get out of my head.
If I had more energy I could focus on other things so that my mind would be forced to relax or at least not to focus on things I cannot control or that I don't want to think about.
I have zero energy- except in my brain which is as always going a thousand miles a minute. The curse of being a Virgo.
Confirmed by my StrengthsFinder results with Deliberative being my number 1.
I wish to get out of my head.
If I had more energy I could focus on other things so that my mind would be forced to relax or at least not to focus on things I cannot control or that I don't want to think about.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
How well do you know...
A person. I mean really know a person. Is it even possible?
In this age of accessibility - Internet, Facebook, myspace, blogs, craigslist, chats, texts- how is it possible to truly trust a person when there is possibility and temptation everywhere...
You hear these stories of people cheating, having double lives etc and on one hand you think how can the other person not know... But how could they know? Unless you low-jack your significant other and their phones/laptop etc - how could you know?
What really makes someone "tick"? What are their interests that they wouldn't tell anyone? What would they do if they didn't think they would get caught?
Can you answer those questions of yourself? Is there anyone who could answer them about you? Does anyone really know anyone else...?
Friday, November 18, 2011
Borrowing Others' Words
When someone else has already said it better.. just borrow from them...
Courtesy of Mary J Blige:
It's gonna be a long, long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be a tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I'm ready to carry on.
I'm so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything, yeah
And finally I'm not afraid to breathe.
Anything you say to me,
And everything you do,
You can't deny the truth,
'Cause I'm the living proof!
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me
I'm the living proof! Oh, yes I am.
Thinking 'bout life's been painful. Yes it was.
Took a lot to learn how to smile,
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm -- about the storm.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/mary+j+blige/the+living+proof_20916905.html ]
Oh, so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
And I'm almost there
'Cause now I'm free!
Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive.
They just don't make it through.
But look at me
I'm the living proof!
I know where I'm going
'Cause I know where I've been
I'm gonna feel strong, that's showin'
I'm gonna be strong, keep growin'
That's the way that I will.
Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me - yeah yeah
I'm the living proof!
Nothing about my life has been easy, no.
But nothin's gonna keep me down, no - down.
'Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday, now
So, I'm ready to carry on...
And courtesy of Kelly Clarkson....
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Courtesy of Mary J Blige:
It's gonna be a long, long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be a tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I'm ready to carry on.
I'm so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything, yeah
And finally I'm not afraid to breathe.
Anything you say to me,
And everything you do,
You can't deny the truth,
'Cause I'm the living proof!
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me
I'm the living proof! Oh, yes I am.
Thinking 'bout life's been painful. Yes it was.
Took a lot to learn how to smile,
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm -- about the storm.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/mary+j+blige/the+living+proof_20916905.html ]
Oh, so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
And I'm almost there
'Cause now I'm free!
Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive.
They just don't make it through.
But look at me
I'm the living proof!
I know where I'm going
'Cause I know where I've been
I'm gonna feel strong, that's showin'
I'm gonna be strong, keep growin'
That's the way that I will.
Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me - yeah yeah
I'm the living proof!
Nothing about my life has been easy, no.
But nothin's gonna keep me down, no - down.
'Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday, now
So, I'm ready to carry on...
And courtesy of Kelly Clarkson....
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sentimental Possession
I may be crazy. I may be irrational. It may be an easy explanation if you know my background. But I attach emotion to key objects and no matter how much it "makes sense" to part with them... I just... can't.
When I was 14, for less than $90, all the important possessions of my life were sold in an auction at a storage unit facility. It included all the pictures of my childhood except for one collage frame. It included every thing that was left to me from my grandparents- including the manuscript of a book about my great uncle Allen Sollie and by extension our family. It included all the black and white photos, every momento from my grandparents' lives, every thing that might still have carried their smells.... my grandparents were the most important people in my young life.
So there's the psych 101 explanation.
Now to be fair- I am not a hoarder. (Thank goodness)
But I have stuffed animals that I haven't been able to part with. I can justify this by having room in my house for them and selling them wouldn't exactly help pay off any bills other than a lunch trip to Five Guys.
But I have jewelry- nice jewelry.... jewelry that every day grows in value. And selling it could pay the bills.... but I would miss it terribly.
That is my reality.
Sentimental reality- maybe that's where the word "sentimentality" comes from.
I just got back from an amazing trip to Anguilla. While their we dined at Blanchards- Mel and Bob Blanchard are amazing people. They live a passionate live- they take risks, they follow their dreams.... they wrote a book on how others can too... I read the book end to end on the plane and while inspriring- I just think their reality is a once in a million reality. I think it's easier to live a life you love if you are artistic and have talent that you can use to drive your life. And the Blanchard's have more talent in their little pinkies than I have in the sum total of my days.
It's nice to be able to say that money is one of the four key things that you need to consider to balance your life. The reality for most is that it is the number one of those four factors (or 10 or whatever) and yet.... I can't sell my jewelry.
I may be a sentimental woman but my memories- and the tokens I have as reminders when my mind will begin to go (as all of ours will) are what I have. I would not give them up willingly. Telling the story behind the memory of the token (stuffed animal, jewelry, whatever) to someone who loves you helps keep the memory alive. Long after we are all gone.
When I was 14, for less than $90, all the important possessions of my life were sold in an auction at a storage unit facility. It included all the pictures of my childhood except for one collage frame. It included every thing that was left to me from my grandparents- including the manuscript of a book about my great uncle Allen Sollie and by extension our family. It included all the black and white photos, every momento from my grandparents' lives, every thing that might still have carried their smells.... my grandparents were the most important people in my young life.
So there's the psych 101 explanation.
Now to be fair- I am not a hoarder. (Thank goodness)
But I have stuffed animals that I haven't been able to part with. I can justify this by having room in my house for them and selling them wouldn't exactly help pay off any bills other than a lunch trip to Five Guys.
But I have jewelry- nice jewelry.... jewelry that every day grows in value. And selling it could pay the bills.... but I would miss it terribly.
That is my reality.
Sentimental reality- maybe that's where the word "sentimentality" comes from.
I just got back from an amazing trip to Anguilla. While their we dined at Blanchards- Mel and Bob Blanchard are amazing people. They live a passionate live- they take risks, they follow their dreams.... they wrote a book on how others can too... I read the book end to end on the plane and while inspriring- I just think their reality is a once in a million reality. I think it's easier to live a life you love if you are artistic and have talent that you can use to drive your life. And the Blanchard's have more talent in their little pinkies than I have in the sum total of my days.
It's nice to be able to say that money is one of the four key things that you need to consider to balance your life. The reality for most is that it is the number one of those four factors (or 10 or whatever) and yet.... I can't sell my jewelry.
I may be a sentimental woman but my memories- and the tokens I have as reminders when my mind will begin to go (as all of ours will) are what I have. I would not give them up willingly. Telling the story behind the memory of the token (stuffed animal, jewelry, whatever) to someone who loves you helps keep the memory alive. Long after we are all gone.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Giving Thanks
I find when things are the hardest it is best to think about what is going well, going right... what you have to be thankful for. And since it is November, and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, today I am focusing this post on that.
What I am grateful for:
Willy
my friends
my family
my pets
my brain
my passion
my ability to give back to the community
my senses- fully intact and can be used to acknowledge the beauty around me
my luck
that I was born where and when I was- I don't think I could have handled other times and places
the many kindnesses bestowed upon me by others
my experiences in this life- good and bad- as they have shaped the person I have become and the person I will be
What I am grateful for:
Willy
my friends
my family
my pets
my brain
my passion
my ability to give back to the community
my senses- fully intact and can be used to acknowledge the beauty around me
my luck
that I was born where and when I was- I don't think I could have handled other times and places
the many kindnesses bestowed upon me by others
my experiences in this life- good and bad- as they have shaped the person I have become and the person I will be
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