Change of Heart

So I had one of the best Christmases ever. But it was also highly emotional. I always am on the verge of tears all day Christmas Eve. I just feel the loss of my grandparents and my family in general so poignantly on that day each year. I know at some point the flood gates will open- this year it happened at church.  Prior to that we had been at Aunt Cookie's for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and present exchange with Dad's family. My cousin Michael and his wife Dusty had their 6 week old son Zane there and once I had him in my arms, I didn't want to let him go.  I am not sure I have ever felt that way before.

The next day after full day of of Christmas festivities with Will's amazing family, we went to my sister's. I must pause because I need to say just how much I love his family. I have felt comfortable there and a part of them since the first day I met them (Easter 2009). I totally feel myself and feel loved and I love each of them with all of their quirks. Each time I am around his family, I feel like I understand Will just a little more.

So back to my sister's. There had apparently been a miscommunication and so we weren't there for dinner where they had cleverly announced their pregnancy. But they announced to us in a cute way as well- my sister is due  August 2, 2012. She told me by letting me know the sweater I had bought her wouldn't fit her for very long!  I am so excited for her.

But for the the first time I felt something else. Jealousy? Envy? Empty? Hopeful? Granted it is her second but she will be having a baby at 35 (and she is normal not a celebrity) which means maybe I could have a baby too. Pregnancy still scares the crap out of me- and I still think it is weird- but for the first time I feel this longing to have a baby (bio or adopted).  And now that this switch has occurred, I can't seem to turn it off.

My thoughts switch from " I need to fix my finances so we can travel more, buy a new house etc"  to "I need to get my finances straight so I can take care of a baby, afford time off from work, buy a new home, save for college"

How did this happen? I don't know. But I now have this yearning deep within me that I can't seem to ignore or do anything about.  I don't know that I am ready but I know that someway, somehow before it is all said and done... I want to be someone's mother.

Things My Mother Taught Me

I don't think any of us ever appreciate our parents enough when we have the opportunity.
I certainly know that I haven't.
I haven't told her enough how much I love her. How much she has shaped who I am.

So here is a giant thank you for my mom for the lessons she has taught me...

Treat everyone well and equally

Judge each person as an individual- and remember you never really know the full situation, so it's best not to judge at all

Be generous- with everything. Including your love, your forgiveness, and certainly all "things"

It's never too late to start again

You need to be kind to yourself

You can survive things you never thought you had the strength for

The good memories are the ones to focus on

If you give it your all, you can make it happen

Don't let anyone change who you are

Don't let anyone tell you that you can't...

There is always someone who has it worse than you, and you should reach out to them and help

One word, one gesture can change a life

Everyone makes mistakes- that doesn't mean that they don't love you

I love you mom...

Life's Lessons By Age 30

Below are a list of things I feel everyone should learn by their 30s:


Who your real friends are.

It's okay to stick up for yourself and your needs. It's not selfish- it's healthy.

Know the triggers that bring out your worst qualities.

Take everything day to day.

It's as okay to walk away as it is to stay.

Being drunk is no excuse.

The people who bring out your best.

You will survive if you choose to.

You are 100% responsible for your actions- they are choices even if there is one option that you didn't like.

Your past is part of you but it doesn't have to define you.

People come in and out of your life: a reason, a season or a lifetime. Determine the differences.

Alone time can be some of the best time you ever spend. Enjoy your own company.

Most of what is bothering you today you won't remember in 5 years (or probably even 1 year).

It's ok to put yourself first when you need to.

Be generous with your affection, time, and resources.

It's never too late.

To you

I love you

You are my best friend

You are my soul mate

You can hurt me faster and more deeply than anyone else

You are the future I want to have

You are my family

You are attached by a chord to my heart

Worst feeling?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.... that describes the worst feeling to me.

It means something awful and painful has already happened, and you are fairly certain it will happen again.  Or worse.

I know it is a pessimistic view and in general I try to be positive (evidence on this blog notwithstanding)
but once you have been hurt.... how can you not fear it's happening again?  When someone breaks the fragile part of yourself that you don't share to just anyone, the part you make them earn, how can you believe that they won't do it again? Sure you may say that you do, but isn't there a voice somewhere saying, "don't be naive, the other shoe is going to drop and you better be prepared for it so it doesn't hurt as much when it happens again"

I have that voice.

Have always had it.

Many days I can forget it- in some aspects of my life, I never hear it anymore.... but in the ones that really cut to the quick... the voice is ever present.

And knowing it's there, not knowing how to quiet it, not knowing if you should listen to it, not wanting to know what it means to your life if you do, THAT is the worst feeling....

Trapped in mind

I am sniffly, sneezy, achy and sleepy today...
I have zero energy- except in my brain which is as always going a thousand miles a minute.  The curse of being a Virgo.
Confirmed by my StrengthsFinder results with Deliberative being my number 1.

I wish to get out of my head.

If I had more energy I could focus on other things so that my mind would be forced to relax or at least not to focus on things I cannot control or that I don't want to think about.

How well do you know...

A person. I mean really know a person. Is it even possible?
In this age of accessibility - Internet, Facebook, myspace, blogs, craigslist, chats, texts- how is it possible to truly trust a person when there is possibility and temptation everywhere...
You hear these stories of people cheating, having double lives etc and on one hand you think how can the other person not know... But how could they know? Unless you low-jack your significant other and their phones/laptop etc - how could you know?

What really makes someone "tick"? What are their interests that they wouldn't tell anyone? What would they do if they didn't think they would get caught?

Can you answer those questions of yourself? Is there anyone who could answer them about you? Does anyone really know anyone else...?