Negative over Positive

Why is it that we focus on the negative?

We can be given 25 pieces of positive feedback and yet the one that is constructive is the one we remember...

This is why choosing one's words carefully when giving feedback is important

This is why anonymous feedback can extremely dangerous and unprofessional. Anonymity enables people to be careless with thier word choice and insensitive to the impact to the feedback recipient.

But for those of us who really want to do our best, even though we know we mess up (probably more frequently than others know) it's still hard to hear about our mistakes and improvement areas from others. No matter how much we want to learn and better ourselves.

There are areas of development that I know I have and have accepted that I need to work on... but there seems to always be one element in feedback that leaves me feeling sucker punched. If I cared less - it wouldn't matter.

But I care. A lot.

Bridal Store Adventure

There are so many emotions tied up in a trip to a bridal store.

Dread: oh please don't let the bride pick a dress for a) herself that you have to pretend to like and b) a bridesmaid dress that makes you look atrocious. Additionally there is always one (and only one) size 0 bridesmaid whom you desperately hope you never have to stand next to. And hope that her vote of dress doesn't really count because at size 0 she can wear a paper bag and look like a runway model. Then of course there is at least one larger girl (who may or may not be pregnant) for whom you have to find a dress that will be flattering- even if it makes you and everyone else look hideous. This is how I believe most terrible bridesmaid dress choices get made. However there still are bitchy women out there who desire to make their friends look bad on the big day (so as not to diminish the bride's beauty) and to ask them to pay for it (to add insult to injury)

Joy: There are several aspects to joy on this adventure (even if you try to fight it). When the bride picks the right dress, puts a veil on and holds a fake bouquet for the first time- even if you hate the groom, every women feels joy at seeing the happiness radiate from the bride.

Wistfullness: Whether you have been married before or not, wistfullness abides. You remember your own wedding day fondly or you dream of a future wedding day when your friends and family gather around to celebrate and share your joy. You dream of trying on the dress again and getting that feeling that is simultaneous butterflies and a sucker punch in your gut.

Fear: Now that dresses are chosen. Fear of looking like you are the "big bridesmaid" kicks in and the dieting and exercise regimen must commence. It could be the most hideous dress in the world but you know you will not add to the ugliness of it intentionally or unintentionally! So put down the doughnut and bust out the running shoes from now until the wedding day!

Things I hope are never said about me...

She's one of those cute girls who thinks she is a photographer just because she has a camera

She never fit in

She held herself back

Sara who?

She didn't try hard enough

She didn't give enough

She didn't love enough

She didn't make a difference in anyone's life

She made bad choices

(and please God never that...)

She was selfish

Karma

Some days believing in karma is easier than others. Watching the Murdochs squirm under questions from Parliament makes it easy.

Watching my friends struggle to have a child to which they would be excellent parents while others get knocked up by accident every day makes it hard.

I know life is a journey and many days I can embrace that. I feel I have come a long long way on that front when it comes to my own life. But I am fiercely protective of my friends and I don't want them to have bumps on their journey... I want them to have all the happiness and love that I know they deserve. Some days it can be just heart wrenching and can bring new meaning to the phrase "karma is a bitch"

Appreciation

So it's not official and it won't be for a few weeks but it would appear that I am getting a promotion! It's my 2nd in 2 years with my company- which is not the norm for them! It is nice to feel appreciated and valued by your employer. I mean how many hours do we spend at work? on the laptop? thinking about work? worrying about work? putting in the extra effort?

My company isn't perfect- none are. But I feel that it is the right place for me at the right time in my life. And who can ask for more than that?

Soundtrack

Have you ever wondered what the soundtrack of your life would be?

I feel like the random shuffle on my ipod is the best place to start. Somehow that little gadget always knows the song to play out of thousands to jog a memory or a feeling. When driving to my mom's the other day, "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins played. This song always reminds me of the hard life my mom has had, how brave she is, and how proud I am to be her daughter.

Artists on my soundtrack would have to include: James Taylor, Jimmy Buffett, Jewel, Dixie Chicks, John Denver, Beyonce, Alabama, Indigo Girls, Carbon Leaf, Stevie Nicks, Beastie Boys, Vertical Horizon, Dave Matthews Band, Til Tuesday and Counting Crows.... these are the ones that immediately come to mind.

Music can heal, can remind you of the things that really matter, can stir emotions you thought long buried. Music should be an integral part of every day.

Family

I think of the concept of family often... maybe it is because mine has never been what you would call "traditional." 
I have never met my father. There are days where this doesn't bother me and days when it does. Today is one of the days where it bothers me.  I visited my mom today and while we had a great visit and she was in good spirits- physically she didn't look very good. As I mentioned Friday was her birthday and although she is only 64 - she seems much older. I know one day I will lose her and even though I have a wonderful adopted family, when that day comes I will feel like an orphan. Like I am truly alone.

I wonder if those who grow up with both parents (the whole white picket fence 2.5 sort) ever really give thought to what it means to be a family. I think about it a lot.  On good days I feel that I have created my own family with a great network of wonderful friends and my adopted family who loves me.

On bad days- that all feels impermanent. I guess there is something to be said for blood. Because on bad days I don't feel that I belong to anyone, and that I never have... no matter how much they love me. But even those related to me by blood- except my mom- seem to be temporary as well.

I have always worked hard to go further, do more, be more... but how can you really fly if you never have solid ground to take off from or return to?

Saturday Brunch

Talking with my boyfriend today- it was nice to sit in the sunshine, drink sparkling wine, eat a lovely brunch and truly enjoy each other's company.

While talking, I shared a story of my friend Chris whom I have always considered part of my family, of when he brought me to college. It was when he left that I felt the ground shake beneath me- that my foundation was gone and I was on my own.

Years after I got married I found out that Chris (who was a speaker at the wedding) told my husband- to-be minutes before the wedding that he didn't deserve me. I think he would have felt that way about anyone.

It is overwhelming sometimes in the best way to know you are loved.

Random thoughts and acts of kindness

A perfectly lovely woman named Sue invited me to share her table at the airport Chili's after we had waited in line for a while together. So instead of eating solo while hunched over a laptop and two iPhones simultaneously, I got to meet someone new and talk shop about our respective careers and relationships. Sometimes it is so much easier to speak openly and honestly to a total stranger. It reminds me that no matter how different we are, so much of the human experience is the same. Ironically, she was going home to Indianapolis which is where I had just left on my way home.

 

Why do we need to take a tram to get through an airport to move us from one sitting position to another? Is it really that hard for able-bodied people to WALK?!?!? Well I proved it was possible and even enjoyable to walk instead of tram from terminal B to terminal D at Atlanta's airport. I had been itching for movement so it was perfect.

 

I have just decided that Justin Timberlake is attractive. I think it has less to do with him and more to do with the similarities between him and my boyfriend. In the interview I just read with JT in my Vanity Fair (which I am zealously devoted to reading cover to cover every month) he is fiercely creative, thoughtful, and introspective. These are some of my absolute favorite qualities in my boyfriend-ones that complement my ordinariness and ones that inspire me to emulate them to the best of my ability.

 

I am excited to be coming home for a few weeks. A change of scenery has been good for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. But now it's time to focus my energy and attention to my life at home. I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends and hope to see my mom this weekend. Today is her 64^th birthday. And though she will never let me say it (I guess I can here)- she is so brave, so caring, so generous. I owe so much of who I am to her and I hope she never doubts how much I love her.

 

Old isn’t always bad

Good grief… not everything that is old is necessarily bad.

Manners, chivalry, respectful actions, dressing appropriately are the first that come to mind.

Why do adults think it is appropriate to chew with their mouth open? To smack their gum? To pop gum so loudly people across the room can hear?

Holding a door open, helping someone with their bags, placing a hand on the small of a woman's back as you lead her into a room… these things never get old.

Chivalry is often a clear path to intimacy on many levels- it convey a world of emotion in the gesture of a hand.

Wearing "play clothes" to work when you work in an office says a lot about you- not much of it good. Remember when we separated our play clothes from our school clothes? That's a good practice which also doesn't get old.

There are old souls in this world who may be young in years but who still value these "small" actions and recognize how they can distinguish a person.

I am an old soul.

I hope to find more old souls.

Bad Journal Keeper

I have tried keeping a journal more times than I can count- each with minimal success. The only time I had moderate success was when it was part of therapy and it was a physical need to get what was in me out onto paper. I couldn't have stopped if I tried.

But as the difficult time passed… so did the journal.

I think part of it is that by the time I go to bed at night I am tired of thinking and talking and my journal was an extension of both of those activities.

Even more than that- I found I didn't have anything interesting to say, which was frightening.

Does that mean I am a boring person?

Does it mean I lead a boring life?

Will anyone ever care what I say or think about….well … anything?

And what does THAT mean?

So like any mature adult, I did the brave thing and closed up the journal never to be opened again. Or until a few months when by where interesting things happened that I thought I should capture. Then a new realization hit…interesting events, meaningful events were reduced to a boring catalogue when I wrote them down.

Oh crap- what did THAT mean?

I still don't know the answer to that. Not sure I am brave enough to try to figure it out. I joke frequently that I am boring, ordinary, and not very interesting… but maybe that is a defense mechanism…because what if it's true?

 

Do Over

So obviously I strayed from my good intentions of december 2009 so I am at it again.  Today I am thinking of the tightrope we walk as adults. There are so many days where on the one hand I want to take the high road, believe positive intent of others, and generally be mature. Then there is the other impulse- to throw a full out terrible twos temper tantrum.

Isn't this what adulthood really is? Acknowledging these impulses but not giving in to them? There are some days it is so tempting... so tempting to just choose yourself, choose to do something to make yourself smile but that sounds selfish. So we don't choose that path because to others it will look like the temper tantrum even if it is the healthiest thing we can do at the moment. My simultaneous tightrope is the one where I vacillate from feeling grateful and again the temper tantrum (which in this instance sounds something like "Why do I have to work harder? Why couldn't it have been easier for me? Why couldn't I have a normal family? Why do I have to have all the responsibility"). Then I read about people with real problems... you know things like starvation, disease... people like the women in the Congo, children in the East End of Richmond, HIV+ [insert gender/age], cancer ridden [insert gender/age], baby girls in China, women in Saudi Arabia, the list goes on....

I will apologize (if anyone is even reading this or ever does) that I am wandering this evening. My thoughts have been all over the place. How people baffle me, they amaze me, they disappoint me and they inspire me. I wish it were simpler- I wish I could quickly tell those that will leave me feeling positive and with a desire to change the world from those who make me feel like the smallest version of myself- alone, scared, and helpless.  Everytime I think I have something figured out, I realize I am just starting out to figuring out how little I know. Maybe that means I am growing...