So obviously I strayed from my good intentions of december 2009 so I am at it again. Today I am thinking of the tightrope we walk as adults. There are so many days where on the one hand I want to take the high road, believe positive intent of others, and generally be mature. Then there is the other impulse- to throw a full out terrible twos temper tantrum.
Isn't this what adulthood really is? Acknowledging these impulses but not giving in to them? There are some days it is so tempting... so tempting to just choose yourself, choose to do something to make yourself smile but that sounds selfish. So we don't choose that path because to others it will look like the temper tantrum even if it is the healthiest thing we can do at the moment. My simultaneous tightrope is the one where I vacillate from feeling grateful and again the temper tantrum (which in this instance sounds something like "Why do I have to work harder? Why couldn't it have been easier for me? Why couldn't I have a normal family? Why do I have to have all the responsibility"). Then I read about people with real problems... you know things like starvation, disease... people like the women in the Congo, children in the East End of Richmond, HIV+ [insert gender/age], cancer ridden [insert gender/age], baby girls in China, women in Saudi Arabia, the list goes on....
I will apologize (if anyone is even reading this or ever does) that I am wandering this evening. My thoughts have been all over the place. How people baffle me, they amaze me, they disappoint me and they inspire me. I wish it were simpler- I wish I could quickly tell those that will leave me feeling positive and with a desire to change the world from those who make me feel like the smallest version of myself- alone, scared, and helpless. Everytime I think I have something figured out, I realize I am just starting out to figuring out how little I know. Maybe that means I am growing...
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