Change of Heart

So I had one of the best Christmases ever. But it was also highly emotional. I always am on the verge of tears all day Christmas Eve. I just feel the loss of my grandparents and my family in general so poignantly on that day each year. I know at some point the flood gates will open- this year it happened at church.  Prior to that we had been at Aunt Cookie's for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and present exchange with Dad's family. My cousin Michael and his wife Dusty had their 6 week old son Zane there and once I had him in my arms, I didn't want to let him go.  I am not sure I have ever felt that way before.

The next day after full day of of Christmas festivities with Will's amazing family, we went to my sister's. I must pause because I need to say just how much I love his family. I have felt comfortable there and a part of them since the first day I met them (Easter 2009). I totally feel myself and feel loved and I love each of them with all of their quirks. Each time I am around his family, I feel like I understand Will just a little more.

So back to my sister's. There had apparently been a miscommunication and so we weren't there for dinner where they had cleverly announced their pregnancy. But they announced to us in a cute way as well- my sister is due  August 2, 2012. She told me by letting me know the sweater I had bought her wouldn't fit her for very long!  I am so excited for her.

But for the the first time I felt something else. Jealousy? Envy? Empty? Hopeful? Granted it is her second but she will be having a baby at 35 (and she is normal not a celebrity) which means maybe I could have a baby too. Pregnancy still scares the crap out of me- and I still think it is weird- but for the first time I feel this longing to have a baby (bio or adopted).  And now that this switch has occurred, I can't seem to turn it off.

My thoughts switch from " I need to fix my finances so we can travel more, buy a new house etc"  to "I need to get my finances straight so I can take care of a baby, afford time off from work, buy a new home, save for college"

How did this happen? I don't know. But I now have this yearning deep within me that I can't seem to ignore or do anything about.  I don't know that I am ready but I know that someway, somehow before it is all said and done... I want to be someone's mother.

Things My Mother Taught Me

I don't think any of us ever appreciate our parents enough when we have the opportunity.
I certainly know that I haven't.
I haven't told her enough how much I love her. How much she has shaped who I am.

So here is a giant thank you for my mom for the lessons she has taught me...

Treat everyone well and equally

Judge each person as an individual- and remember you never really know the full situation, so it's best not to judge at all

Be generous- with everything. Including your love, your forgiveness, and certainly all "things"

It's never too late to start again

You need to be kind to yourself

You can survive things you never thought you had the strength for

The good memories are the ones to focus on

If you give it your all, you can make it happen

Don't let anyone change who you are

Don't let anyone tell you that you can't...

There is always someone who has it worse than you, and you should reach out to them and help

One word, one gesture can change a life

Everyone makes mistakes- that doesn't mean that they don't love you

I love you mom...

Life's Lessons By Age 30

Below are a list of things I feel everyone should learn by their 30s:


Who your real friends are.

It's okay to stick up for yourself and your needs. It's not selfish- it's healthy.

Know the triggers that bring out your worst qualities.

Take everything day to day.

It's as okay to walk away as it is to stay.

Being drunk is no excuse.

The people who bring out your best.

You will survive if you choose to.

You are 100% responsible for your actions- they are choices even if there is one option that you didn't like.

Your past is part of you but it doesn't have to define you.

People come in and out of your life: a reason, a season or a lifetime. Determine the differences.

Alone time can be some of the best time you ever spend. Enjoy your own company.

Most of what is bothering you today you won't remember in 5 years (or probably even 1 year).

It's ok to put yourself first when you need to.

Be generous with your affection, time, and resources.

It's never too late.

To you

I love you

You are my best friend

You are my soul mate

You can hurt me faster and more deeply than anyone else

You are the future I want to have

You are my family

You are attached by a chord to my heart

Worst feeling?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.... that describes the worst feeling to me.

It means something awful and painful has already happened, and you are fairly certain it will happen again.  Or worse.

I know it is a pessimistic view and in general I try to be positive (evidence on this blog notwithstanding)
but once you have been hurt.... how can you not fear it's happening again?  When someone breaks the fragile part of yourself that you don't share to just anyone, the part you make them earn, how can you believe that they won't do it again? Sure you may say that you do, but isn't there a voice somewhere saying, "don't be naive, the other shoe is going to drop and you better be prepared for it so it doesn't hurt as much when it happens again"

I have that voice.

Have always had it.

Many days I can forget it- in some aspects of my life, I never hear it anymore.... but in the ones that really cut to the quick... the voice is ever present.

And knowing it's there, not knowing how to quiet it, not knowing if you should listen to it, not wanting to know what it means to your life if you do, THAT is the worst feeling....

Trapped in mind

I am sniffly, sneezy, achy and sleepy today...
I have zero energy- except in my brain which is as always going a thousand miles a minute.  The curse of being a Virgo.
Confirmed by my StrengthsFinder results with Deliberative being my number 1.

I wish to get out of my head.

If I had more energy I could focus on other things so that my mind would be forced to relax or at least not to focus on things I cannot control or that I don't want to think about.

How well do you know...

A person. I mean really know a person. Is it even possible?
In this age of accessibility - Internet, Facebook, myspace, blogs, craigslist, chats, texts- how is it possible to truly trust a person when there is possibility and temptation everywhere...
You hear these stories of people cheating, having double lives etc and on one hand you think how can the other person not know... But how could they know? Unless you low-jack your significant other and their phones/laptop etc - how could you know?

What really makes someone "tick"? What are their interests that they wouldn't tell anyone? What would they do if they didn't think they would get caught?

Can you answer those questions of yourself? Is there anyone who could answer them about you? Does anyone really know anyone else...?

Borrowing Others' Words

When someone else has already said it better.. just borrow from them...

Courtesy of Mary J Blige:
It's gonna be a long, long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be a tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I'm ready to carry on.

I'm so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything, yeah
And finally I'm not afraid to breathe.

Anything you say to me,
And everything you do,
You can't deny the truth,
'Cause I'm the living proof!
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me
I'm the living proof! Oh, yes I am.

Thinking 'bout life's been painful. Yes it was.
Took a lot to learn how to smile,
So now I am gonna talk to my people about the storm -- about the storm.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/mary+j+blige/the+living+proof_20916905.html ]
Oh, so glad the worst is over ('cause it almost took me down)
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
And I'm almost there
'Cause now I'm free!

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive.
They just don't make it through.
But look at me
I'm the living proof!

I know where I'm going
'Cause I know where I've been
I'm gonna feel strong, that's showin'
I'm gonna be strong, keep growin'
That's the way that I will.

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I'm the living proof.
So many don't survive,
They just don't make it through
But look at me - yeah yeah
I'm the living proof!

Nothing about my life has been easy, no.
But nothin's gonna keep me down, no - down.
'Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday, now
So, I'm ready to carry on...


And courtesy of Kelly Clarkson....
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Sentimental Possession

I may be crazy. I may be irrational.  It may be an easy explanation if you know my background. But I attach emotion to key objects and no matter how much it "makes sense" to part with them... I just... can't.

When I was 14, for less than $90, all the important possessions of my life were sold in an auction at a storage unit facility. It included all the pictures of my childhood except for one collage frame. It included every thing that was left to me from my grandparents- including the manuscript of a book about my great uncle Allen Sollie and by extension our family. It included all the black and white photos, every momento from my grandparents' lives, every thing that might still have carried their smells.... my grandparents were the most important people in my young life.

So there's the psych 101 explanation.

Now to be fair- I am not a hoarder. (Thank goodness)
But I have stuffed animals that I haven't been able to part with. I can justify this by having room in my house for them and selling them wouldn't exactly help pay off any bills other than a lunch trip to Five Guys.
But I have jewelry- nice jewelry.... jewelry that every day grows in value. And selling it could pay the bills.... but I would miss it terribly.
That is my reality.
Sentimental reality- maybe that's where the word "sentimentality" comes from.

I just got back from an amazing trip to Anguilla. While their we dined at Blanchards- Mel and Bob Blanchard are amazing people. They live a passionate live- they take risks, they follow their dreams.... they wrote a book on how others can too... I read the book end to end on the plane and while inspriring- I just think their reality is a once in a million reality. I think it's easier to live a life you love if you are artistic and have talent that you can use to drive your life. And the Blanchard's have more talent in their little pinkies than I have in the sum total of my days.
It's nice to be able to say that money is one of the four key things that you need to consider to balance your life. The reality for most is that it is the number one of those four factors (or 10 or whatever) and yet.... I can't sell my jewelry.
I may be a sentimental woman but my memories- and the tokens I have as reminders when my mind will begin to go (as all of ours will) are what I have.  I would not give them up willingly. Telling the story behind the memory of the token (stuffed animal, jewelry, whatever) to someone who loves you helps keep the memory alive. Long after we are all gone.

Giving Thanks

I find when things are the hardest it is best to think about what is going well, going right... what you have to be thankful for. And since it is November, and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, today I am focusing this post on that.

What I am grateful for:
Willy
my friends
my family
my pets
my brain
my passion
my ability to give back to the community
my senses- fully intact and can be used to acknowledge the beauty around me
my luck
that I was born where and when I was- I don't think I could have handled other times and places
the many kindnesses bestowed upon me by others
my experiences in this life- good and bad- as they have shaped the person I have become and the person I will be

New Day New Outlook

My apologies for yesterday... I have been in a funk with a capital F.

But today some really good things happened.... my work is turning back to my passion (change management) and I couldn't be more grateful. It's a rare and wonderful thing to love what you do and to have others value you for your knowledge, skill and passion.

I also got to help a college senior by giving him the feedback he desperately needs as he tries to determine his first career steps.

I submitted to be a speaker at the ACMP conference- fingers crossed! I love speaking engagements. give me a stage, a captive audience and I am in my groove.

I get to facilitate a Junior League meeting tonight on the challenges our organization faces as we transform our organization to meet the changing needs of our members.

In 3 days I get to celebrate the birth of the most amazing man I have ever known.

and that kids... makes it all okay.

Damaged Goods

WARNING:- this is another family type post…..and it may come across as a pity party but it's not meant to… there are just some key questions I am struggling with…

I have always hated the term "Damaged goods". I never heard it applied to me until after my divorce. But now I am wondering it is true – and if it has been true most of my life.

Not that I don't think I am a catch: I mean come on! I am successful, attractive, sometimes funny and generally a good person.

But under all that… under the 50 hours a week for work and 10+ hours for Junior League and the gym, and United Way…. Am I damaged? People always say that children are sponges- they absorb everything that is intentionally and unintentionally said, done, not said, and not done around them.

So what if as a child you don't have stability?

What if you never see a healthy relationship? What if you never see someone communicate their feelings in a healthy way?

What if you aren't showered with love? What if you have parents/siblings who you have never met and who haven't wanted to me you?

What if no one who is supposed to take care of you…does?

 

Can you as an adult learn or unlearn these basics? Can you learn to behave in a way that is totally different from what you experienced in your most formative years?

And could it be that many who as children didn't have these basics, throw themselves into the comparatively easy areas of success (job, community)?

 

I used to say that my friends were my family. Given my lack of consistent "family", that worked for me for a long time. Up through your twenties, you have lots of friends (even if like me you weed some out). But the life changes and demands that occur typically by your 30s seems to weed out more friends than you thought it would often with heartbreaking results. So if you don't have the traditional/normal family- or anything resembling it- and then your friends who were your family, start to disappear…how can you feel anything but alone?

Do people go away because of life changes/stages… or do I now know how to behave in a way that gets people to stay?

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend and while parts were funny- overall I thought it was depressing. I don't have any life long friends. My longest friendships start in high school and our relationships have certainly changed. And while I love them dearly… I could hardly picture any of them being my Kristin Wigg character.

And it made me really sad… and wondering what I can do to change things… and not just a little angry about starting off behind everyone else. But more than anything I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to undo that damage.

Neglected

I think neglect is worse than abandonment.

When someone abandons you, the wound is harsh but it can heal as the empty space left behind will often be filled.

When someone neglects you, their presence is still there, never allowing the wound to heal. By still being physically present they render you invisible. It is a constant reminder that you are not valued, that your needs are not appreciated or understood. It's like slicing open a wound just before it heals over and over again.

To neglect someone you love is to not love them.

When you love someone, you value their needs, their dreams, their preferences. Their priorities at some level have to align with your priorities.

If not the result is devastating: the loss of a relationship, the hardening of the heart of the one who is neglected. The endless questioning of "what if" by the neglector…

It may sound trite but maybe that is because it is true… we need to treat each other as if this is the last moment we will see each other. Use your words. Use your actions. Show those you love that they are important to you and never render them invisible.

Personalities Galore

One of the things that I love best about my pets is their individual personalities. They stand out even more when I have been travelling and don't have the opportunity to see them every day.

This is how they approach me when I have been far away:

Kirby takes an uncharacteristicly assertive approach boxing out Violette and burying his face in my thigh before I have even come through the door. He then spends the rest of the night sleeping as close to me as he can get and sometimes nuzzling his little face into my lap. Kirby has never been a licker but since my travels began he has graced me with more little kisses in the palm of my hand and sometimes on the tip of my nose while I lay on the couch.

Violette is true to form always. She has more energy and excitement than her little body can stand so it completely overwhlems her until she is convulsing violently and trying desperately not to jump into my arms! She is the kid who just wants to be loved more than anything and often does the wrong thing to get attention because she just can't control all that energy. Violette has such big eyes that allow you to see right into her heart and she loves her daddy more than any animal has loved any human.

Trinity is the bull in a china shop. She wants what she wants when she wants it and by God she is GOING TO HAVE IT! She plops down on my lap/stomach before I have even fully gotten comfortable. It's like she hasn't felt the warmth of being close to another creature since she saw me last. Trinity head butts you and talks to you- you ignore Trinity at your peril. Now that she has decided to roam the entire house instead of just the "cat room" - she is a force to be wreckoned with!

Lastly my Katie. We almost lost Katie two years ago and it would have broken my heart. She is my trooper. She is independent but loving, fierce but sweet and entirely playful! She gives me "drive by love"- as if she just wants to make sure I know that in the animal jungle of our home, she doesn't want to be overlooked or forgotten. She will push her way into the bathroom and rub against my legs as I sit and sometimes will quickly jump into my lap! When Katie does have her moments of needing love frlom me, it honestly warms my heart. She will settle herself into the crook of my body or on top of my chest/stomach/lap (whatever is available). She will tuck her head around or tuck her paws under her chin and purr softly.

I know people who don't have animals won't understand this but these are my children. They may not look like me, they may not speak the same language, but they each have a unique and precious place in my heart and in my home. And isn't that what really matters?

Updates after a drought...

I enjoyed being completely cut off from all forms of communication other than the personal for 5 days

I spent my birthday on a beautiful island with my favorite person

I learned that my body fails me more often than I want to admit

I learned that I can easily be convinced to spend ridiculous amounts of money on the comfort of my pets

I officially entered the mid-30s

I figured out that if I really put my mind to it.... I can do anything

I remembered the things (and people especially) that are truly important in my life

I realized I still bite off more than I think I can chew

I feel energized

A Mystery

I know I write a lot about family and I think I do because it is a mystery to me.  All the things I read, see on tv, the traditional notions of family don't apply to my experience.

And yet they do.

There is the n'er do well  sibling who always needs help, seems to never be responsible for his situation and makes you feel guilty for creating a good life for youself.

There's the mom that no matter what mistakes she made, you love her and can't imagine your life without her.

There's the adopted mom, who is always there quietly as a support. And when the phone rings to tell you she is in the hospital- your heart simultaneously races and stops.

There's the absentee father.

There's the daddy who lets you still be his little girl even in your 30s.

I guess all families are the same in that they are all different.

Parenting

I just read how a man decapitated his 7 year old disabled son

I remember vividly the couple who tortured and killed their daughter by putting her head in a vice

I have friends who spend every dollar, every minute, every wish praying to have a child and yet these monsters don't give any thought to it, are able to have kids and then butcher them.

I am not for government being involved in everything but for pete's sake I think we have a lot of evidence supporting the fact that not everyone should be a parent.

And I am terrified of being a parent. I can't imagine a more awesome and intimidating responsibility. I fear that I will make mistakes that will emotionally scar them for life.
I fear I will make the mistakes my parents made.

Why do so many people not stop and THINK before having a child!?!?!?!?

Origins

Do trees grow without roots?

Do birds learn to fly before they learn to walk?

Where do abandoned animals go for shelter?

Where do you turn when you are in trouble?

Can you really create your own truth? your own family?

Negative over Positive

Why is it that we focus on the negative?

We can be given 25 pieces of positive feedback and yet the one that is constructive is the one we remember...

This is why choosing one's words carefully when giving feedback is important

This is why anonymous feedback can extremely dangerous and unprofessional. Anonymity enables people to be careless with thier word choice and insensitive to the impact to the feedback recipient.

But for those of us who really want to do our best, even though we know we mess up (probably more frequently than others know) it's still hard to hear about our mistakes and improvement areas from others. No matter how much we want to learn and better ourselves.

There are areas of development that I know I have and have accepted that I need to work on... but there seems to always be one element in feedback that leaves me feeling sucker punched. If I cared less - it wouldn't matter.

But I care. A lot.

Bridal Store Adventure

There are so many emotions tied up in a trip to a bridal store.

Dread: oh please don't let the bride pick a dress for a) herself that you have to pretend to like and b) a bridesmaid dress that makes you look atrocious. Additionally there is always one (and only one) size 0 bridesmaid whom you desperately hope you never have to stand next to. And hope that her vote of dress doesn't really count because at size 0 she can wear a paper bag and look like a runway model. Then of course there is at least one larger girl (who may or may not be pregnant) for whom you have to find a dress that will be flattering- even if it makes you and everyone else look hideous. This is how I believe most terrible bridesmaid dress choices get made. However there still are bitchy women out there who desire to make their friends look bad on the big day (so as not to diminish the bride's beauty) and to ask them to pay for it (to add insult to injury)

Joy: There are several aspects to joy on this adventure (even if you try to fight it). When the bride picks the right dress, puts a veil on and holds a fake bouquet for the first time- even if you hate the groom, every women feels joy at seeing the happiness radiate from the bride.

Wistfullness: Whether you have been married before or not, wistfullness abides. You remember your own wedding day fondly or you dream of a future wedding day when your friends and family gather around to celebrate and share your joy. You dream of trying on the dress again and getting that feeling that is simultaneous butterflies and a sucker punch in your gut.

Fear: Now that dresses are chosen. Fear of looking like you are the "big bridesmaid" kicks in and the dieting and exercise regimen must commence. It could be the most hideous dress in the world but you know you will not add to the ugliness of it intentionally or unintentionally! So put down the doughnut and bust out the running shoes from now until the wedding day!

Things I hope are never said about me...

She's one of those cute girls who thinks she is a photographer just because she has a camera

She never fit in

She held herself back

Sara who?

She didn't try hard enough

She didn't give enough

She didn't love enough

She didn't make a difference in anyone's life

She made bad choices

(and please God never that...)

She was selfish

Karma

Some days believing in karma is easier than others. Watching the Murdochs squirm under questions from Parliament makes it easy.

Watching my friends struggle to have a child to which they would be excellent parents while others get knocked up by accident every day makes it hard.

I know life is a journey and many days I can embrace that. I feel I have come a long long way on that front when it comes to my own life. But I am fiercely protective of my friends and I don't want them to have bumps on their journey... I want them to have all the happiness and love that I know they deserve. Some days it can be just heart wrenching and can bring new meaning to the phrase "karma is a bitch"

Appreciation

So it's not official and it won't be for a few weeks but it would appear that I am getting a promotion! It's my 2nd in 2 years with my company- which is not the norm for them! It is nice to feel appreciated and valued by your employer. I mean how many hours do we spend at work? on the laptop? thinking about work? worrying about work? putting in the extra effort?

My company isn't perfect- none are. But I feel that it is the right place for me at the right time in my life. And who can ask for more than that?

Soundtrack

Have you ever wondered what the soundtrack of your life would be?

I feel like the random shuffle on my ipod is the best place to start. Somehow that little gadget always knows the song to play out of thousands to jog a memory or a feeling. When driving to my mom's the other day, "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins played. This song always reminds me of the hard life my mom has had, how brave she is, and how proud I am to be her daughter.

Artists on my soundtrack would have to include: James Taylor, Jimmy Buffett, Jewel, Dixie Chicks, John Denver, Beyonce, Alabama, Indigo Girls, Carbon Leaf, Stevie Nicks, Beastie Boys, Vertical Horizon, Dave Matthews Band, Til Tuesday and Counting Crows.... these are the ones that immediately come to mind.

Music can heal, can remind you of the things that really matter, can stir emotions you thought long buried. Music should be an integral part of every day.

Family

I think of the concept of family often... maybe it is because mine has never been what you would call "traditional." 
I have never met my father. There are days where this doesn't bother me and days when it does. Today is one of the days where it bothers me.  I visited my mom today and while we had a great visit and she was in good spirits- physically she didn't look very good. As I mentioned Friday was her birthday and although she is only 64 - she seems much older. I know one day I will lose her and even though I have a wonderful adopted family, when that day comes I will feel like an orphan. Like I am truly alone.

I wonder if those who grow up with both parents (the whole white picket fence 2.5 sort) ever really give thought to what it means to be a family. I think about it a lot.  On good days I feel that I have created my own family with a great network of wonderful friends and my adopted family who loves me.

On bad days- that all feels impermanent. I guess there is something to be said for blood. Because on bad days I don't feel that I belong to anyone, and that I never have... no matter how much they love me. But even those related to me by blood- except my mom- seem to be temporary as well.

I have always worked hard to go further, do more, be more... but how can you really fly if you never have solid ground to take off from or return to?

Saturday Brunch

Talking with my boyfriend today- it was nice to sit in the sunshine, drink sparkling wine, eat a lovely brunch and truly enjoy each other's company.

While talking, I shared a story of my friend Chris whom I have always considered part of my family, of when he brought me to college. It was when he left that I felt the ground shake beneath me- that my foundation was gone and I was on my own.

Years after I got married I found out that Chris (who was a speaker at the wedding) told my husband- to-be minutes before the wedding that he didn't deserve me. I think he would have felt that way about anyone.

It is overwhelming sometimes in the best way to know you are loved.

Random thoughts and acts of kindness

A perfectly lovely woman named Sue invited me to share her table at the airport Chili's after we had waited in line for a while together. So instead of eating solo while hunched over a laptop and two iPhones simultaneously, I got to meet someone new and talk shop about our respective careers and relationships. Sometimes it is so much easier to speak openly and honestly to a total stranger. It reminds me that no matter how different we are, so much of the human experience is the same. Ironically, she was going home to Indianapolis which is where I had just left on my way home.

 

Why do we need to take a tram to get through an airport to move us from one sitting position to another? Is it really that hard for able-bodied people to WALK?!?!? Well I proved it was possible and even enjoyable to walk instead of tram from terminal B to terminal D at Atlanta's airport. I had been itching for movement so it was perfect.

 

I have just decided that Justin Timberlake is attractive. I think it has less to do with him and more to do with the similarities between him and my boyfriend. In the interview I just read with JT in my Vanity Fair (which I am zealously devoted to reading cover to cover every month) he is fiercely creative, thoughtful, and introspective. These are some of my absolute favorite qualities in my boyfriend-ones that complement my ordinariness and ones that inspire me to emulate them to the best of my ability.

 

I am excited to be coming home for a few weeks. A change of scenery has been good for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. But now it's time to focus my energy and attention to my life at home. I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends and hope to see my mom this weekend. Today is her 64^th birthday. And though she will never let me say it (I guess I can here)- she is so brave, so caring, so generous. I owe so much of who I am to her and I hope she never doubts how much I love her.

 

Old isn’t always bad

Good grief… not everything that is old is necessarily bad.

Manners, chivalry, respectful actions, dressing appropriately are the first that come to mind.

Why do adults think it is appropriate to chew with their mouth open? To smack their gum? To pop gum so loudly people across the room can hear?

Holding a door open, helping someone with their bags, placing a hand on the small of a woman's back as you lead her into a room… these things never get old.

Chivalry is often a clear path to intimacy on many levels- it convey a world of emotion in the gesture of a hand.

Wearing "play clothes" to work when you work in an office says a lot about you- not much of it good. Remember when we separated our play clothes from our school clothes? That's a good practice which also doesn't get old.

There are old souls in this world who may be young in years but who still value these "small" actions and recognize how they can distinguish a person.

I am an old soul.

I hope to find more old souls.

Bad Journal Keeper

I have tried keeping a journal more times than I can count- each with minimal success. The only time I had moderate success was when it was part of therapy and it was a physical need to get what was in me out onto paper. I couldn't have stopped if I tried.

But as the difficult time passed… so did the journal.

I think part of it is that by the time I go to bed at night I am tired of thinking and talking and my journal was an extension of both of those activities.

Even more than that- I found I didn't have anything interesting to say, which was frightening.

Does that mean I am a boring person?

Does it mean I lead a boring life?

Will anyone ever care what I say or think about….well … anything?

And what does THAT mean?

So like any mature adult, I did the brave thing and closed up the journal never to be opened again. Or until a few months when by where interesting things happened that I thought I should capture. Then a new realization hit…interesting events, meaningful events were reduced to a boring catalogue when I wrote them down.

Oh crap- what did THAT mean?

I still don't know the answer to that. Not sure I am brave enough to try to figure it out. I joke frequently that I am boring, ordinary, and not very interesting… but maybe that is a defense mechanism…because what if it's true?

 

Do Over

So obviously I strayed from my good intentions of december 2009 so I am at it again.  Today I am thinking of the tightrope we walk as adults. There are so many days where on the one hand I want to take the high road, believe positive intent of others, and generally be mature. Then there is the other impulse- to throw a full out terrible twos temper tantrum.

Isn't this what adulthood really is? Acknowledging these impulses but not giving in to them? There are some days it is so tempting... so tempting to just choose yourself, choose to do something to make yourself smile but that sounds selfish. So we don't choose that path because to others it will look like the temper tantrum even if it is the healthiest thing we can do at the moment. My simultaneous tightrope is the one where I vacillate from feeling grateful and again the temper tantrum (which in this instance sounds something like "Why do I have to work harder? Why couldn't it have been easier for me? Why couldn't I have a normal family? Why do I have to have all the responsibility"). Then I read about people with real problems... you know things like starvation, disease... people like the women in the Congo, children in the East End of Richmond, HIV+ [insert gender/age], cancer ridden [insert gender/age], baby girls in China, women in Saudi Arabia, the list goes on....

I will apologize (if anyone is even reading this or ever does) that I am wandering this evening. My thoughts have been all over the place. How people baffle me, they amaze me, they disappoint me and they inspire me. I wish it were simpler- I wish I could quickly tell those that will leave me feeling positive and with a desire to change the world from those who make me feel like the smallest version of myself- alone, scared, and helpless.  Everytime I think I have something figured out, I realize I am just starting out to figuring out how little I know. Maybe that means I am growing...